Saturday, October 16, 2010

(A-2) DEVELOPMENTALLY DELAYED CHILDREN NEED POSITIVE PARENTS


Dear Mr. Morton- We have two elementary school boys. The oldest is shy and not as bright in school and life as the youngest, who is a social butterfly and gets all “A’s” in school. We wonder how much nature (genes) vs. nurture (upbringing) resulted in the difference between the two. We are both professionals with graduate degrees. Any thoughts?- Parents (photo Discovermagazine.com)
Dear Parents- Right now, you are the most important person in your older child’s life, especially if he has some apparent developmental delays. You are the strongest influence in his young life and feelings of helplessness and self-doubt can be either toned down or exacerbated by you. Every waking hour, he learns much about himself- from you. The day he arrived home from the hospital as a helpless infant, you were the “reliever” when he cried from hunger, the “consoler” when he cried from fear in the dark of night, “soother” when his pants were soiled, and official “kisser of ouches” when needed.

Now that he’s older and is meeting unfamiliar people outside the family unit (teachers and classmates) it is important that you focus on what he can do, not on what he can’t; his assets, not his liabilities; and what he is, not what he isn’t- even if his strengths differ from the family expectations.




The home atmosphere must remain encouraging and supportive for children with developmental delays. If you remain inflexible and expect him to “fit the family mold”, he will grow discouraged and frustrated at home and in society, especially with a younger sibling outshining him socially and academically. He will carry these negative voices of childhood well into adulthood.

In short, your actions now will determine his lifetime sense of well-being. I’ve always marveled at how parents of children with developmental delays discover how to look at the positives in life. Isn’t it true for all kids? Write down you son’s positive qualities and begin reinforcing them…today!



ClickN KIDS Teaching KIDS to READ One Click at a Time
Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S., has retired from his positions of school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership & Policy Studies at BGSU. Questions about family, parenting, personal or educational issues? Contact him at the secure Bpath Mail Form at the top of this site. To visit the national FAMILY JOURNAL column, click HERE.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

(A-1) POWERFUL DADS READ BEDTIME STORIES & KISS "OUCHIES"


Dear Mr. Morton- We have two preschoolers. My wife began working full-time, out of necessity, and I share parenting chores and enjoy the involvement in my children’s lives much more than before. I want to become more effective in this new parenting role, but I’ve grown up learning fathers are to be major bread winners and minor nurturers of children. How can I handle this conflict?- Name Withheld.

Dear Name Withheld- Begin by realizing you’re not alone with these mixed feelings. Over 70 percent of moms with a child over age 1 work and the number of fathers striving to help their working wives more on the home front is swelling. Powerful dads, like yourself, are not satisfied in playing minor roles in child rearing; they find themselves staying in, not retreating from, the nursery and playrooms.

Powerful dads discover that being in the delivery room, changing diapers, attending parenting classes, reading bedtime stories, bathing cuddling, feeding and burping their babes, and even kissing “ouchies” deepens the relationship…without minimizing their macho.

You seem to feel isolated in this conflict, so seek out other powerful dads; you may learn much from these potential confidants. Join a parenting group which has other fathers attending (Hint: beforehand, ask the group facilitator how many dads have signed up).

Further sharpen and gain confidence in your inherent fathering skills like you would your golf swing by reading magazines and books about fathering. Here’s three excellent books written by fathers like you: “She Calls Me Daddy” by Robert D. Wolgemuth, “Daddy’s Home!” by Stephen Schnur and “The Five Key Habits of Smart Dads” by Paul Lewis. Another great resource is “The Complete Smart Dad’s Tool Kit”, which offers audio cassettes and games for dads and kids to play, pocket guides for dads to teach kids values and morals, etc. Call 1-800-ALL-DADS.

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S., has retired from his positions as school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership and Policy Studies at Bowling Green State University. Questions or comments about family, parenting, educational or personal concerns? Have photos or personal stories you'd like to share? Contact us on our secure Bpath Mail Form.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

(Z) PERFECTIONISTIC PARENTING DOES MORE HARM THAN GOOD


Dear Mr. Morton- I am a perfectionist and put much pressure to achieve on my son, age 10. This school year he’s bringing home “B” and “C’s”, which I can’t accept. How can I keep him achieve without putting too much stress on him?- S.L.

Dear S.L.- When parental expectations are too high or too perfectionist, children easily grow anxious and hypersensitive to criticism. I’ve witnessed students try to get even with overly-demanding parents by committing “academic suicide” or by purposefully underachieving. Others develop poor self-esteems and relinquish their natural zest for trying in school…and life.

If your son feels he cannot consistently be good enough to please you, he may eventually throw in the towel or learn to give only minimal effort in school and in life. And why not? If effort doesn’t earn your appreciation, he’ll rationally conclude the less effort, the less to lose emotionally.

Here’s some thoughts. Realign your own ideas about perfectionism and humor yourself…even laugh at yourself and your mistakes. Remember, people only approach perfection when they fill out their income tax or job interview forms.


Like Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth, focus intensely on process, minimally on product. How? Appreciate and encourage your son’s daily efforts and improvements (process) and less on making all “A’s” in school (product). In this manner, your son will feel your appreciation for his daily efforts and improvements, regardless of the outcomes. Everything else will follow, for he’ll learn the true meaning of “winning” and that no one is a loser until they give up and people who don’t make mistakes are the ones who usually don’t make anything at all. Is that why Aaron and Ruth struck out at the plate many more times than they hit home runs?

Psychoanalyst H. David Stein, M.D., (NYC) feels that perfectionist parents do their children more harm than good. He stated, “Kids feel that their parents are dissatisfied with them, even if it’s not stated. They pick up on subtle cues.”

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S., has retired from his positions as school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership and Policy Studies at Bowling Green State University. Questions or comments? Click HERE to contact him at our secure Bpath Mail Form

Friday, October 8, 2010

(Y) CHILDREN NEED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE


Dear Mr. Morton- What’s your philosophy on today’s children? Just Curious, Port Clinton

Dear Just Curious- Maybe by comparing the similar needs of children everywhere through history may provide an answer. I’ve always thought children need unconditional love, a love that doesn’t depend upon making the Honor Roll or winning a football game. Just a love because they are our children. Parents must practice the “separate the deed from the doer”. If their teen daughter is taking drugs, they can still give them unconditional love by saying, “Honey, I love your basic substance, but I can literally spit on your drug behavior and out of my love for you, I will not tolerate it. So, here’s what I’m going to do.”

Children begin their world by loving their parents, then judge and question them as they grow older. Great child psychologists like Haim Ginott and Jean Piaget used to compare them to blank sheets of paper ready to be written on. They’re like wet cement, whatever falls on them makes an impression. They may be raptured by a tiny, green worm inching its way across the sidewalk than a brand new $600 swing set assembled in the backyard. When children leave the nest, they’ll remember not the material things we give them, but the feeling that they were cherished.


To me, the innocence of small children are nearest to some omnipotent divinity, just like small planets are nearest the sun. Their candidness and honesty is yet restrained by social taboos. Years ago, I had difficulty evaluating a preschool girl for early entrance. She remained pokerfaced as the evaluation began, so I stopped the testing to establish rapport. When I asked her if she had any questions, her brown eyes grew wide and she asked, “Why are you so fat and what’s that fur under your nose? My daddy’s skinny and he shaves his fur off.” Once I explained about overeating and that it’s OK for men to grow mustaches, she became communicative and performed quite well on the evaluation, although she curiously gawked at my “fur“ for an hour straight.

I’d say most of the truth-telling in the world is done by children. For parents, children may or may not be a blessing. We have our share of mistreated children, but, to create children and then fail them as a parent is pure damnation. I genuinely detest the Morey Popovich show, which belittles unborn children by relying on DNA testing to determine who the father is. I always say, there’s no illegitimate children, only illegitimate parents.

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S., has retired from his positions as school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership and Policy Studies at Bowling Green State University. Questions or comments about parenting, educational, family or personal concerns? Click HERE to contact him at our secure Bpath Mail Form.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

(X) GOOD HABITS CAN BECOME AS ADDICTIVE AS BAD ONES

aaaaaaaaaa Dear Mr. Morton- My husband has many of bad habits that his “friends“ perpetuate. How can I get him to break them. Loving Wife

Dear Loving Wife- It takes about 21 days to change bad habits and to replace them with new ones. Bad habits don’t make his friends “bad” people. Just be thankful he doesn’t hang with Robert Downey Junior (multiple arrests), Charlie Sheen (threatening wife with knife), Snoop Dogg (illegal gun & drug possession), Mickey Rourke (DUI charge on a scooter), Rip Torn (crashed into truck while drunk), Nick Nolte (DUI plus traces of GHB rape drug in his system), ZaZa Gabor (driving with open liquor container & slapping a cop), Gary Coleman (domestic assault), and Lindsay Lohan for DUI while driving her new Mercedes on Sunset Blvd.

For the rest of us who don’t make $35 million for starring in one movie, we readily drop costly bad habits, like accumulating DUI‘s. We might be more frustrated with nail biting, smoking, borrowing money, procrastinating, overeating, compulsive shopping, nose picking, or cracking our knuckles. Habit formation brings about peculiar events in our lives - good habits are easier to give up than bad ones, bad habits are easier to form than good ones, but good habits can become as addictive and as hard to break as bad ones.

I learned this when counseling a woman hooked on cocaine. That was six years ago, and she’s still emancipated from the drug’s social, economic, and career- demolishing consequences. The addiction was easy for her to develop and extremely difficult for her to give up. However, her cocaine addiction was replaced by living a life unshackled- a steady job, a new set of drug-free friends, volunteer work in a drug clinic, and a reestablished relationship with her children.

Yes, good habits can be as addictive and hard to break as bad ones. A herd of wild horses couldn’t drag her back into the world of cocaine. If your husband desires, he too can replace his bad habits with good ones.

NOTE: In the right margin search for code "X BAD HABITS" for videos and newspaper, journal articles to learn more on this topic.

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S. has retired from his positions of school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership and Policy Studies at BGSU. Questions or comments? Contact him at the Bpath Mail Form at the top of the site. Also, visit his national Family Journal column.