(A-20) CHILDREN "LOCKED INTO" SEEKING UNDUE ATTENTION

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Dear Mr. Morton- Our nephew is always trying to get attention. When his mother (my sister) is on the phone he tugs at her pants. When we have family get-togethers, he’s always at the center of attention. I know children seek attention, but when is too much, too much?- R.T., Sandusky Co.

Dear R.T.- True, the desire for attention is universal in younger children- practically all children seek attention at one time or another. However, if a child is “locked into” an attention-seeking mode, the parents should investigate what purpose or goal may be propelling the drive for “undue” attention. All behavior is purposeful and your nephew’s actions usually point toward and achieve something for him.

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Many children who constantly seek undue attention are somewhat discouraged, in that they don’t feel they can contribute to the family in useful ways. One family I counseled demonstrates this widespread phenomenon. Their child sought attention in productive ways before the transgression arose and they discovered that they had overlooked much of his praiseworthy behavior.

These hard-working, dual income, and loving parents concluded that their child purposefully became a nuisance. He intentionally pestered everyone to become the center of attention- his goal was to be noticed, albeit in useless ways. Their son was hell bent on obtaining significance in the family via useless bids for attention.

Paradoxically, the parents were unintentionally reinforcing the very behaviors they wished to terminate by nagging, scolding, grounding, lecturing, reprimanding and occasionally spanking. Unfortunately, to many children, negative attention is better than no attention at all. Excellent video (below) on these "undue" behaviors of attention-seeking:

The whining and pestering behaviors withered away after the energy driving them was uncovered. They recognized he needed an audience, so they ignored the annoying behaviors and “caught him being good”-praising behaviors that respected the rights of others and maintained the family order.

When their child found he could achieve significance through helpful family contributions rather than with useless bids for attention…the misbehavior ceased.

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S. has retired from his positions as School Psychologist and adjunct professor in The School Of Leadership And Policy Studies at Bowling Green State University. Questions? Comments? Personal stories, articles or photos you'd like to share? Contact him at the secure Bpath Mail Form. View the national Family Journal column.

(A-19) OUR CHILDREN ARE GROWING UP TOO FAST

Dear Mr. Morton- My daughter was playing with her friend. They’re both age 5. I was startled when her friend began acting out Barbie and Ken dolls kissing, then playing out a fight and divorce between them. What’s happening to childhood and do you think kids are growing up too fast?- Anonymous, Ohio.

Dear Anonymous- I learned more from being a child in the unhurried 50’s than in taking graduate child development courses. So, as a one-time tot myself, I wave my magic wand to reestablish eight standards that made past childhoods happy:
(1) Declare childhood a “Golden Period” where freedom is not permitted to be seized by the tensions of the adult world.
(2) Teach children how to create something from nothing instead of getting expensive playthings that do everything for them. Playing hide-and-seek, statue, or kick-the-can will once again brighten an entire afternoon.
(3) Allow tomboys to emerge once again.

(4) Empower children to feel genuine and not as if they’re on a stage all the time. How? By making many of today’s Baby Boomer parents, the most educated and richest parents in history, less narcissistic. Then, they may stop using their children’s achievements as another manifesto that they can afford the good life.
(5) Make parents appreciate that a small child is more captivated by a tiny, green worm that by an elaborate play set dad erected in the backyard.
(6) Require parents to schedule ample time in their week-at-a-glance calendars for kids to run barefoot, pick dandelions, climb trees, and to catch crayfish or frogs in the local creek.
(7) Finance schools so they’re the most tantalizing, safe, and comforting places for children to set foot in, especially those in lower income areas.
(8) Furnish kids with Good Samaritan heroes/heroines like the Lone Ranger, Jackie Robison, Roy Rogers and Merryl David.
As a former kid myself, I now wave my magic wand to insure childhood flourishes.

VISIT THE HUGE HOMEWORK IMPROVEMENT STORE- 24 AISLES!

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S. has retired from his positions of School Psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership & Policy Studies at Bowling Green State Univeristy. A portion of Ad sale revenue from this site is donated to Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America. Questions? Comment? Concerns about family, parenting, educational or personal concerns? Contact him on the secure Bpath Mail Form.

(A-18) POSITIVE HOME ATMOSPHERE CAN BOLSTER CHILDREN'S SELF-ESTEEM

Dear Mr. Morton- Our elementary school son has a low self-esteem. Can you recommend any resources that teach parents how to raise their child’s confidence?- Anonymous



(photo compliments of livestrong.com) Dear Anonymous- Self-esteem cannot be taught directly, formally, through self-help books, or by viewing videos on the topic.

One’s sense of self worth emerges incidentally, naturally, and gradually through many positive interactions at home, all of which make kids feel secure and good about themselves. A positive self-esteem arises from an encouraging home atmosphere. Here’s some parenting practices and styles which make kids feel good about themselves:
Unconditional Love. Love your son without strings attached. Confident kids know their parents accept them, while uncertain and fearful children feel they were never quite right in their parents’ eyes.

VISIT THE HUGE HOMEWORK IMPROVEMENT STORE- 24 AISLES!

Offer compliments, not criticism. Be quick in looking for the best in your son and be slow in pinpointing his flaws. Adult functioning can be harmed by never-ending compliments and restored by constructive criticism. But, maturing children blossom from the opposite. Listen and talk to your son often. Children need to know their parents are interested in what they’re thinking, what interests them, and what is troubling them. Treat your son as a special and unique individual. All children carry their own developmental internal clock, one different from all others. Self-assured kids maintain importance in their parents’ minds simply because they exist. Apprehensive children sense that parental glory is gained solely through achievement credentials.

Kids gain confidence and courage knowing that mom and dad are readily available if a problem should arise. Unsure children have to keep everything bottled up inside. Discipline your son fairly and consistently. He needs unwavering guidelines so his life is predictable, not erratic. Imagine the chaos if we were forced to drive on highways absent of median lines, speed limits, traffic lights and stop signs. Children navigate through life confidently when given a predictable code of conduct, but apprehensively under chaotic rules.

Lastly, read the article "Teen low self-esteem may have life-long consequences".

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S. has retired from his positions as School Psychologist for Fremont City Schools and adjunct professor in The School Of Leadership And Policy Studies at Bowling Green State University. Questions about parenting, family, educational, or personal concerns? Contact him at the secure Bpath Mail Form.

(A-17) "TERRIBLE TWO'S" CAN BE TERRIBLE, IN DEED!

Dear Mr. Morton- My son has reached age two and his body certainly must have been taken over by another person. He’s into everything and taking him to the store is a real chore. Are the terrible two’s for real? Do many two-year-olds say “No!” all the time? Is this just a stage? - Frustrated but Loving Mom.

Dear Mom- Many experts agree that it is a needed stage to go through. Your humor will get you through this transitory stage in child development. I’ve known two-year-olds who don’t say “No!” to their parents- they announce “No Way!” In a sense, it is a needed stage your son must go through.

Here’s why. The force of gravity, which heretofore confined his world to your lap and the carpet, has been conquered. Now, he is driven to explore the world to the utmost. Establishing independence over the physical world and examining the untarnished confines of your brain centers that control composure, sacrifice, temper control and fortitude are his next unexplored frontiers.


Don’t give in to his every whim, or anarchy will result. Unfortunately, a sizable number of parents instantly bow to their “two’s” every impulse. My last “two’s” study took place at the local supermarket where I witnessed a tiny hand snatch a candy bar from the rack, while mom was in the checkout line. As the feast began, mom said, “No! Wait until we get home.” But, her child’s response was “No! I want now!”. Mom acquiesced.

Of course, mom was under public scrutiny. Still delay of gratification wasn’t taught in that brief scrimmage for power. I propose that every retail store in Sandusky and Ottawa counties donate floor space and put up a sign which advertises, “Terrible Two’s Time-Out Zone”. The mental health of beleaguered moms and dads would upgrade instantaneously.
Your son needs you to set fair limits and construct fences, not to give free rein. Give him things a while later and not in a jiffy and be a very loving, devoted, benevolent…dictator.



Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S. has retired from his positions of School Psychologist and adjunct professor in The School Of Leadership And Policy Studies at BGSU. Questions about parenting, educational, family, or personal concerns? Have photos, personal stories, or article you'd like to share? Contact us at the secure Bpath Mail Form.

(A-16) VOLUNTEER AT YOUR CHILD'S SCHOOL

Dear Mr. Morton- Enjoyed last Thursday’s column about all the wonderful volunteers in our area. I want to volunteer at my child’s school, but I feel my child’s teacher may feel I’m intruding. What should I do?- Mother, Port Clinton, Ohio (Photo compliment of Berkely Public Schools)

Dear Mother- The schools won’t feel you’re meddling. They’re desperately in need of parental assistance. A few short years ago, 29 percent of America’s parents never set foot in their children’s classroom, even for parent-teacher conferences. There are many needs you could fill in your child’s budget-crunched school: working one-on-one with a special needs child; reading stories to an entire class; aiding in the library, cafeteria or on the playground; chaperoning field trips; helping teachers with mounds of paper work; or planning for holiday parties.

Contact the building principal after the kids are dismissed for the day and find out the school’s needs you could fill. When you start helping out in your child’s school- not necessarily in his classroom- prove yourself. Be on time, for time and space are luxury items in the schools. And, gain trust- don’t criticize a teacher’s methods or a school program. Learn the complexities involved in the school operations before offering constructive suggestions privately with the teacher(s) or principal.

The benefits you reap from school volunteer work should end your trepidation about entering the classroom. In the last 28 years, every major study has concluded that parental involvement has more influence on a child’s success in school than the quality of the teachers or the school itself.

Any kind of school involvement you give matters, for your visibility verifies a very important part of your child’s world. It personalizes the roughly 10,237 hours he will spend attending elementary school.

Schools need volunteers! Some give their volunteer staff a team name and matching T-shirts and badges. It gives volunteers a sense of purpose and the increased visibility makes it easier to recruit more.

I must mention the Alachua County, Florida School's Volunteer Program. Last year all of the county schools received the Florida Department of Education’s Golden School Award for outstanding volunteer participation. During 2009-2010, more than 21,000 volunteers provided over 702,000 hours of service to our schools. This represents approximately $14.6 million worth of donated services. For those school district administrators and teachers desiring an excellent resource to emulate, view the Alachua County's School Volunteer Handbook 2010-2011.

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S. has retired from his positions as School Psychologist and adjunct professor in The School Of Leadership And Policy Studies at Bowling Green State University. Questions about family, parenting, educational, or personal concerns? Have a photo, article, personal story to share? Contact us at the secure Bpath Mail Form. Visit his national Family Journal column.