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(A-15) "BABY STEPS" APPROACH BEST TO CHANGE BAD HABITS

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Dear Mr. Morton- I’ve got lots of bad habits, including a negative attitude. I’ve been to a psychologist so please don’t mention change occurs in “baby steps”. How can I change? - Defeated, Bay Village. (Photo from Hive Health Media)

Dear Defeated- Sorry, but no self-respecting psychologist, counselor, pastor, rabbi, or advisor can avoid the term “baby steps” when discussing how one can change bad habits. It’s a drawn-out, difficult process. So, change one harmful habit at a time- work on it diligently before focusing on the next one. Multi-tasking doesn’t work in this business!

A powerful strategy to employ against bad habits is to first resolve what you want to become... to accomplish in life. Then, list all the good habits which are crucial for you to reach your dreams. Next, begin to undermine entrenched bad habits by deliberately attending to how good, but underutilized habits will empower you to succeed. The only difference between losers and winners is the differences in their heads.

It takes constant effort to eventually integrate good habits into your daily routine. You may be a slave to bad habits today, but you have the power to change, to become a ruler over good habits tomorrow. But, you must proceed in “baby steps”- initially set short, easily reachable goals and focus on replacing one bad habit at a time. While harmful behaviors become habitual almost immediately, admirable one’s worth the effort take at least a month or more of daily practice before they become routine.

Strange how good habits erode swiftly and catch hold sluggishly; inversely true for bad ones. But, if you candidly imagine the person you’d like to become and list the good habits you need to get there, you’ll no longer conceal (from yourself) how your current bad habits are imprisoning your future.

Lastly, read "Good Habits Can Be As Addictive As Bad Ones"

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S. has retired from his positions of school psychologist and adjuct professor in the School of Leadership and Policy Studies at Bowling Green State University. Questions, comments, or concerns about family, parenting, educational, or personal concerns? Contact him at the secure Bpath Mail Form. Visit the national Family Journal column.

(A-14) SOME "FRIENDSHIPS" SHOULD BE TERMINATED

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Dear Mr. Morton- A person who acts very kindly toward me has become my friend and I wish I never met her. She gossips and lies, is very manipulative (of me), and has been divorced multiple times to men who appeared pleasant and nice. Last time I’ve witnessed her beat her dog with a poker when it misbehaved. I also found out that she was a high school delinquent. Have I made friends with a psychopath? Should I dump her as a friend? - Concerned, Sandusky County. (Photo from "The Sociopath in the Corner Office" by Janet Mason)

Dear Concerned- A few counselors I know use the terms psychopath and sociopath interchangeably. Psychopathy was identified decades ago by psychiatrist Hervey Cleckley and I wouldn’t want to have one as a friend. They come across charming and make good first impressions, but inside are self-centered, dishonest, undependable, and engage in irresponsible behavior for no reason other than for the fun of it.

Personally, I feel they can accomplish this Jekyll and Hyde act because they are “bystanders” in society. They internally lack remorse, empathy, and can’t love anyone. Thus, they learn to observe others laugh, cry, grow angry or show sadness, shame or guilt in various situations…then emulate these feelings that they never experienced.

Your friend isn’t a Charles Manson, Susan Smith (1994-killed two sons), Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy, Marybeth Tinning (1987- killed 9 of her children), Ted Bundy, Cathy Wood and Gwendolyn Graham (1980’s- both killed 5 elderly women) or David Berkowitz. Fortunately, most of the 2 million psychopaths in the U.S. aren’t murderers. In fact, I’d wager most reading this article have met a sociopath or two- they just never realized it. They can be a parent, friend, neighbor, co-worker or cousin, or business associate.

Dr. Stout says that as many as 4% of the population are conscienceless sociopaths who have no empathy or affectionate feelings for humans or animals. As Stout (The Myth of Sanity) explains, a sociopath is defined as someone who displays at least three of seven distinguishing characteristics, such as deceitfulness, impulsivity and a lack of remorse.

Such people often have a superficial charm, which they exercise ruthlessly in order to get what they want. Stout argues that the development of sociopathy is due half to genetics and half to nongenetic influences that have not been clearly identified. I recommend reading her book, "The Sociopath Next Door" (below). She gives three examples of such people, including Skip, the handsome, brilliant, superrich boy who enjoyed stabbing bullfrogs near his family's summer home, and Doreen, who lied about her credentials to get work at a psychiatric institute, manipulated her colleagues and, most cruelly, a patient.

Finally, we’re all guilty of telling “little white lies” for fear of offending others. Your “friend” manipulates and lies consistently, coolly and easily to get what she wants.

Psycho/sociopath, personality disorder…whatever…you may be considered a target or opportunity to her, not a friend. I’d end the “friendship”.

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S. has retired from his positions of school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership & Policy Studies at BGSU. Questions? Comments? Contact him at the secure Bpath Mail Form. Visit his national Family Journal column.

(A-13) IS YOUR TEEN A BINGE DRINKER?

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Dear Mr. Morton- Are there any tests to determine if our son, age 16, is drinking too much? - Anonymous, Oak Harbor.

Dear Anonymous- I’m sure many parents like you have the same concern. Studies show that 8 percent of 8th graders, 16 percent of sophomores, and nearly ¼ of seniors drink 5+ drinks (binge drink) on the same occasion. About 5,000 youth under 21 die every year from car crashes, homicides, and suicides due to underage drinking (US Surgeon General report). Alcohol directly relates to 1,900 teen deaths from car crashes and 300 suicides each year.

I recommend the “Who Me?” interview (John Hopkins) for parents to use with teens and college students. I modified it to interview teens in my school psychology work. It’s straightforward and opens the door for subsequent discussion:

1. Ever gotten into trouble at school or work because of alcohol?
   



2. Ever been in trouble with the police because of alcohol?
   



3. Do you drink to feel more relaxed around others?
   



4. Do you drink to forget your worries?
   



5. Do you drink to relax when you feel tense and nervous?
   



6. Do you sometimes get drunk when you didn’t really intend to?
   



7. Do you ever drink or before going to a party?
   



8. Ever had a drink in the morning?
   



9. Do you ever worry about your use of alcohol?
   



10. Ever gotten into an argument or fight when drinking?
    



11. Ever had times you cannot remember what happened while you were drinking?




12. Ever felt guilty or “bummed out” after drinking?
    



13. Ever turn to an inferior environment since using alcohol?




14. Are you sometimes overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness or despair?
    



15. Ever promised yourself that you would cut down on the use of alcohol and failed to keep that promise?

“Yes” to any five questions: Definitely an alcoholic problem. Get help for your teen, now!
“Yes” to four questions: Strong probability usage is causing problems in your child’s life.

Further Reading: Become more knowledgeable about teenage binge drinking. Also, easy to use alcohol testing kits:

Lastly, visit the Family Journal article “VI. Alcohol Abuse Research and Self-Assessment Of Your Relationship With Alcohol”.

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S. has retired from his positions of school psychologist and aqdjunct professor in the School of Leadership & Policy Studies at Bowling Green State University, in Ohio. Questions about family, parenting, educational, or personal issues? Contact him at the secure Bpath Mail Form. Visit the national Family Journal column.

(A-12) JOB PROMOTIONS ELUDE MANY ADULT PROBLEM READERS

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America has a growing problem with the growing number of adults who are non readers or problem readers. According to a study by the National Assessment of Adult Literacy, 30 million adults living in the U.S. were not able to read and write well enough to complete basic tasks like filling out job applications [U.S. Department of Education Institute of Educational Progress]. People who learned to read early and easily find it hard to imagine what life would be like without being able to read and write.

Adult problem readers have difficulty becoming productive workers and I've always recommended to them that they tape record important workplace documents and read them while playing the tapes. Many experts espouse using formal reading instruction, with phonics. I disagree. Why? Because many adults with reading problems have passed up job promotions due to their reading handicaps. By the way, there are plenty of high IQ people suffering from bona fide auditory and/or visual dyslexia; they're like Jessee Owens with a broken leg. In the workplace, they need to read and understand key information and critical words for survival...to get ahead, without delay! "Reading by immersion" in a technique to accomplish this. They can immerse themselves immediately into the reading process directly by putting into service the technical manuals they need in order to survive in the workplace. We all learned to talk by being immersed in language. We began talking with no formal instruction; our parents never dissected spoken sentences into subtle sound elements, called phonemes (phonics) for us.

Similarly, working adult problem readers can learn to read in the same manner through which they learned how to talk. After all, isn't written language just talk written down?

NONREADERS IN THE WORKPLACE- OUR 4 PICKS!

Instead of avoiding the reading process due to built up fear from past failures in formal reading instruction, problem readers can plunge into printed material just like they were submerged and baptized into spoken language as non-talking infants. Adult problem readers can become more productive workers in the office or shop; their confidence will increase as they discover they can single-handily read each essential document that they would understand if someone read it to them.

By tape recording documents verbatim and then printing especially troublesome words onto flashcards, non readers can identify words as fast as needed to make the reading and comprehension of essential workplace information as smooth as possible.

A Herculean effort? Yes, but any job upgrading becomes distinguished and outstanding... when greatly pursued.

Related post: Juggling work and life

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S. has retired from his positions of School Psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership & Policy Studies at Bowling Green State Univeristy. A portion of Ad sale revenue from this site is donated to Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America. Questions? Comment? Concerns about family, parenting, educational or personal concerns? Contact him on the secure Bpath Mail Form.

(A-11) TEEN LOW SELF-ESTEEM MAY HAVE LIFE-LONG CONSEQUENCES

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Dear Mr. Morton- Our teen daughter lacks confidence and we don’t understand why. She’s an “A” student and our home is warm and loving. She act submissive and allows her friends to make decisions for her. She’s very quiet in school , is very pretty but doesn’t date. She tells us that she feels dumb and can’t do anything but get good grades. This has been going on for three years. How can we boost her confidence and self-esteem? - Confused. (photo from theteendoc.com site, an excellent resource for parents. Click HERE to learn about teen image distortions at their site.)

Dear Confused- Your daughter’s self-esteem results from her own personal judgment of her self-worth. Her overall negative appraisal of her capabilities reflects how she interprets the successes and failures throughout many areas of her life. Earning good grades and being physically attractive are only two areas.

Because a healthy self-esteem is not a one-dimensional entity and is influenced by many factors, try talking and listening other concerns more, even if some may seem trivial to you. Perhaps you’ll uncover that her expectations are set so high that she leaves herself vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy. A “B+” grade may not be a successful event in her eyes or perhaps she feels unable to socially fit in with others as well as her friends do, despite her physical attractiveness. She may make generalizations from these events that she is “dumb” socially or that she should be doing even better academically.

Unfortunately, a recent poll found that 70 percent of teen girls feel they don’t measure up in some way, including their looks, performance in school and relationships with friends and family members.

If she continues to remain inhibited and to show self-doubt about her capabilities, nothing good will result, for we all become what we think about. So, professional counseling is highly recommended if it persists.

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S. has retired from his positions of school psychologist and aqdjunct professor in the School of Leadership & Policy Studies at Bowling Green State University, in Ohio. Questions about family, parenting, educational, or personal issues? Contact him at the secure Bpath Mail Form. Visit the national Family Journal column.

(A-10) BIBLIOTHERAPY HELPS CHILDREN COPE

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Dear Mr. Morton- Our daughter, age 9, is grieving because our long-suffering family dog will have to be put to sleep. The dog has been her faithful friend, sleeping companion, and hiking buddy for years. Do you know of any books on the topic of family pets dying? I might have to read one myself! - Heartbroken, Fremont.

Dear Heartbroken- Contact the Children’s Services department at Birchard Public Library, in Fremont. Years ago, Melinda Bay headed the dept. and sent me a bibliography compiled by their staff. It listed books geared toward young adults and children, which dealt with stressful events. Brief annotations with a synopsis of the crisis are provided to identify the sex, age, and problem of the protagonist.

They also have the reference book, “Books to Help Children Cope With Separation and Loss”, fourth edition. Melinda Baty mentioned this book is much broader than the title indicates.

The Children’s Services department at Birchard Public Library contains many inspirational stories which offer positive choices for young people to make when coping with life’s stressful events, including: adoption, anorexia nervosa, child abuse, death of a family member or friend, divorce, drug abuse, emotional problems, homelessness, parent in prison, poverty, prejudice/race relations, single parent family, suicide, teen mothers, etc.

Hopefully, you’ll locate a relevant novel. “Jasper's Day,” by Marjorie Blain Parker, is a picture book about a beloved dying dog's special day before he is "euthanized" by the vet. A little boy's love for his dog and the whole family's sadness comes out as they say goodbye by giving Jasper a last day filled with his favorite activities.

Mark Twain often remarked on how attached we become to our canine friends because of their unwavering loyalty. He once said, Heaven goes by favor and unfair preference. If it went by merit, we would stay out and our dogs would all go in.”

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S. has retired from his positions of school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership & Policy Studies at Bowling Green State University. Questions, comments, or concerns about family, parenting, educational or personal concerns? Contact him at the secure Bpath Mail Form. Also, visit his national Family Journal column.

(A-9) UNDIAGNOSED ADULT ADHD LEADS TO FRUSTRATION

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Dear Mr. Morton- My son has been diagnosed with ADHD and many of his symptoms resemble mine. Ever since I can remember, I’ve been impulsive, distractible (can’t focus long enough to read a short magazine article) and restless. Can anything be done for ADHD adults? - Frustrated. (photo Itechtalk.com blog)

Dear Frustrated- Since 30 to 50 percent of ADHD children grow into ADHD adults, I suggest obtaining a thorough diagnosis if these manifestations have, historically, complicated your life. A 10-year follow-up study of boys with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) finds that the disorder persisted into their early adult years in 3 out of 4 of the subjects, leaving them vulnerable to poor psychiatric outcomes and life prospects (Joseph Biederman, M.D., a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital).

It’s tricky to diagnose between true and mistaken ADHD in adults; you must rule out other possible causes of your restlessness and impulsivity, such as an anxiety or mood disorder.

The diagnosis should include a meticulous life history, including developmental milestones, obtained by your personal accounts and by your personal accounts and by recollections from your parents, siblings, and relatives. Recently, Dr. Scott Greenaway, a licensed psychologist with the Atlanta Center for Cognitive Therapy (ACCT) stated that although no two people with ADHD have the exact same cluster of symptoms, difficulties with attention, impulsivity, disorganization, or hyperactivity characterize the disorder. ADHD can be classified by three types: Primarily Inattentive Type, Primarily Hyperactive Type, and Combined Type.

If sufficient evidence indicates your above-mentioned ADHD behaviors have occurred in various aspects of your life (home, school, neighborhood, and family get-togethers) since childhood, starting at or before age 7 (origin of ADHD in adulthood never happens), your chances for proper diagnosis and treatment will increase greatly.

Many intelligent and capable adults truly fit the ADHD profile. Their impulsive, distractible and restless manners make it fatiguing for them to perform certain tasks which others do with ease: finishing magazine articles; holding chats with people without regrettably saying the wrong thing at the wrong time; finishing detailed tasks; receiving job recognition and promotions; making good grades in school; and, not surprisingly, maintaining an adequate self-esteem.

It’s interesting your child has been diagnosed with ADHD, for an abnormally high proportion of the 5 million ADHD adults have similar-diagnosed children. Twin studies reveal a strong, genetic role.

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S., has retired from his positions of school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership & Policy Studies at BGSU. Questions about family, parenting, personal or educational issues? Contact him at the secure Bpath Mail Form . To visit the national FAMILY JOURNAL column, click HERE.

(A-8) FREELANCE WRITING GOOD AT-HOME BUSINESS

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Hello Mr. Morton- Well, my kids fledged the nest and we're paying for their college educations. Expensive! My husband is working full time, but we still could some extra cash. I have much time on my hands and desire to write articles for newspapers and magazines, maybe even publish romance novels some day. I fear failure and procrastinate too much, so I need to develop good writing habits. Any tips on learning how to make it in this highly competitive field?- Writer Wannabe
(Photo- Judy Ann Davis of Clearfield, Pa. announces the release of her first novel, “Red Fox Woman,” with Black Rose Writing. The novel is classified as a mystery, western and historical romance)

Dear Writer Wannabe- Having a full-time, nice paying job elsewhere helps. I won't offer you a "cook book" approach or specific list of ingredients that may help your writing career. But, in general, you must cultivate perseverance and dependable writing habits. Begin by deciding what kind of writing you want to do, then detail all the good habits necessary to transform your writing dreams into reality in the type of genre you choose.

This soul-searching will put your writing integrity and commitment on the line, for your personal list of good writing habits will keep staring you in the face. These heretofore under-utilized behaviors will gradually seep into the daily writing routine you must acquire. Hopefully, all your rationalizations that nurture bad writing habits (fear of failure, avoidance, procrastination, denial, etc.) will eventually be undermined.

There are no short cuts to obtaining a long string of writing successes. I know a writer who had 3 novels published, only to have his next 4 proposals and 54 article submissions to national magazines rejected!

Writer John Steinbeck once commented, "Writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business." It's a tough business and you must be able to brush off rejections... and keep writing.

To integrate good writing habits into a daily routine, proceed in "baby steps"- start short, easily reachable goals at first and focus on replacing one bad habit at a time. Years ago, I wrote articles and sent them to newspapers free-of-charge, just to accumulate some "tear sheets", which I sent to editors to eventually help sell my writings. If you candidly imagine the writer you'd like to become and list the good habits needed to get there, you'll no longer conceal (from yourself) how your current bad habits are imprisoning your writing career.

In today's down economy, home businesses are growing popular. Writing is one, for most newspapers and magazines accept email submissions.

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S., has retired from his positions of school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership & Policy Studies at BGSU. Questions about family, parenting, personal or educational issues? Contact him at the secure Bpath Mail Form . To visit his national FAMILY JOURNAL column, click HERE.

CHILDREN FEEL THE RECESSION, TOO

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(A-6) "PRETTY POISONS" SHOULD WORRY PARENTS

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Dear Mr. Morton- Last year you wrote a column about “pretty poisons” and how dangerous they were to preschool children. Please update that column. I will tape it to my refrigerator door as a reminder. - L.W.

Dear L.W. - Poison control centers receive over two million calls annually asking for help on how to treat possible poisonings. Fifty-three percent involve children under age 6, many at the toddler stage. Not surprising, 92 percent of all poisonings occur in the home. Unintentional poisonings from medicines and household chemicals kill over 30 children per year and the experts mention three very important steps parents can take:
1. Use child-resistant packaging because it saves lives;
2. keep medicines and household chemicals should be locked up out of reach and out of sight of young children because some children can open child-resistant packaging; and
3. place the poison control center number next to your telephone and call immediately if a poisoning occurs (1-800-222-1222).

Toddlers have an incomplete schema of the world. Ever since they overcame gravity and began to explore the household on foot, they began to get into trouble with "pretty poisons". To show how easily they may be unintentionally poison themselves, here’s some official cases from the Northern Ohio Poison Center: “mistaking a round, green can of Comet bleach for Parmesan cheese, vitamin or prescription drug pills for sweet candy, colorful and sweet-smelling liquid soap or lamp kerosene for pop, ammonia/rubbing alcohol for water, E-Lax Chocolate laxatives for Hershey’s Chocolate bars, colored lamp oil for cranberry juice, mothballs for mini-marshmallows, Pine-Sol for apple juice, windshield washer fluid for Blue Punch/Kool Aid”…the list is endless!

The video below is an excellent broadcast about how manufacturers want their "poisonous" products to look pretty on the store shelf. No more ungly, black skull & crossbones on the label anymore!

The consequences for toddlers ingesting such “pretty poisons” are serious since the poisons have a rapid effect due to the smaller body size and quicker metabolism rate. Perhaps, toddlers shouldn’t be told that medicine is candy or manufacturers shouldn’t make medicines taste so good.

It's amazing, but the top two states for mercury emissions are Texas and Ohio, respectively. Click HERE to read about this neuro-toxin which accounts for thousands of babies being born with neurological and brain disorders.

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S., has retired from his positions of school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership & Policy Studies at BGSU. Questions about family, parenting, personal or educational issues? Contact him at the secure Bpath Mail Form . To visit the national FAMILY JOURNAL column, click HERE

(A-5) TOO MUCH TV HARMS CHILDREN

Dear Mr. Morton- My son Timmy, age 3, watches too much TV and wants all the stuff peddled in the ads. Is this bad?- Mom
Dear Mom- Yes. The experts tell us Timmy will be watching TV 45 minutes per day. In the early primary grades, his TV time will jump to 3 hours per day, and by 7th grade, he'll spend 4 hours a day in front of the tube.


Between the time he starts first grade to when he graduates from high school, he'll spend 16,000 hours viewing TV programs conjured up by only 400 Hollywood writers and producers. The flamboyant lifestyles this small Hollywood clan enjoys depend on money advertisers pay them, and they will fabricate shows for Timmy that are full of hype, designed to lure him away from other things he could be doing. Before high school graduation, Timmy will be an onlooker to 200,000 acts of violence, including 40,000 murders.

VISIT THE HUGE HOMEWORK IMPROVEMENT STORE- 24 AISLES!

TV advertisers view Timmy as a "Super Consumer." They know that he has no money, but that you do. Before he's 11 years old, he’ll view 20,000 TV commercials, many pressuring him to buy, or ask mom and dad, to buy a product. Advertisers know how to appeal to Timmy, since they hire child psychologists to tell them how children think. After age 11, the average American child sees about 40,000 television commercials every year. Companies target younger viewers all the time, selling everything from sugar cereals to minivans, and cross-promotional marketing influences everything from the food stocked in school vending machines to the characters who appear in children’s books.


In fact, young children are requesting specific brands as soon as they can talk. American corporations spend over $15 billion yearly on marketing to children in an effort to cultivate nagging, insatiable, “cradle-to-grave” consumers. The experts tell us that your Timmy will be a regular TV viewer before he enters Kindergarten in several years and that he will spend many more hours in school (7,400 hours before entering 7th grade) learning reading word attack, reading comprehension, math computation, math reasoning, and written expression skills. These skills won't be easy to learn and will take an active effort by Timmy to master. But, TV is a passive activity, a pastime that clashes with the alert action required to master the "3 R's."

So, my answer is “yes“ due to the long-term impact TV has on today’s toddlers and their future learning.

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S. has retired from his positions of School Psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership & Policy Studies at Bowling Green State Univeristy. A portion of Ad sale revenue from this site is donated to Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America. Questions? Comment? Concerns about family, parenting, educational or personal concerns? Contact him on the secure Bpath Mail Form.

(A-2) DEVELOPMENTALLY DELAYED CHILDREN NEED POSITIVE PARENTS

Dear Mr. Morton- We have two elementary school boys. The oldest is shy and not as bright in school and life as the youngest, who is a social butterfly and gets all “A’s” in school. We wonder how much nature (genes) vs. nurture (upbringing) resulted in the difference between the two. We are both professionals with graduate degrees. Any thoughts?- Parents (photo Discovermagazine.com)
Dear Parents- Right now, you are the most important person in your older child’s life, especially if he has some apparent developmental delays. You are the strongest influence in his young life and feelings of helplessness and self-doubt can be either toned down or exacerbated by you. Every waking hour, he learns much about himself- from you. The day he arrived home from the hospital as a helpless infant, you were the “reliever” when he cried from hunger, the “consoler” when he cried from fear in the dark of night, “soother” when his pants were soiled, and official “kisser of ouches” when needed.

Now that he’s older and is meeting unfamiliar people outside the family unit (teachers and classmates) it is important that you focus on what he can do, not on what he can’t; his assets, not his liabilities; and what he is, not what he isn’t- even if his strengths differ from the family expectations.

The home atmosphere must remain encouraging and supportive for children with developmental delays. If you remain inflexible and expect him to “fit the family mold”, he will grow discouraged and frustrated at home and in society, especially with a younger sibling outshining him socially and academically. He will carry these negative voices of childhood well into adulthood.

In short, your actions now will determine his lifetime sense of well-being. I’ve always marveled at how parents of children with developmental delays discover how to look at the positives in life. Isn’t it true for all kids? Write down you son’s positive qualities and begin reinforcing them…today!

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S., has retired from his positions of school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership & Policy Studies at BGSU. Questions about family, parenting, personal or educational issues? Contact him at the secure Bpath Mail Form at the top of this site. To visit the national FAMILY JOURNAL column, click HERE.

(A-1) POWERFUL DADS READ BEDTIME STORIES & KISS "OUCHIES"

Dear Mr. Morton- We have two preschoolers. My wife began working full-time, out of necessity, and I share parenting chores and enjoy the involvement in my children’s lives much more than before. I want to become more effective in this new parenting role, but I’ve grown up learning fathers are to be major bread winners and minor nurturers of children. How can I handle this conflict?- Name Withheld.

Dear Name Withheld- Begin by realizing you’re not alone with these mixed feelings. Over 70 percent of moms with a child over age 1 work and the number of fathers striving to help their working wives more on the home front is swelling. Powerful dads, like yourself, are not satisfied in playing minor roles in child rearing; they find themselves staying in, not retreating from, the nursery and playrooms.

Powerful dads discover that being in the delivery room, changing diapers, attending parenting classes, reading bedtime stories, bathing cuddling, feeding and burping their babes, and even kissing “ouchies” deepens the relationship…without minimizing their macho.

You seem to feel isolated in this conflict, so seek out other powerful dads; you may learn much from these potential confidants. Join a parenting group which has other fathers attending (Hint: beforehand, ask the group facilitator how many dads have signed up).

Further sharpen and gain confidence in your inherent fathering skills like you would your golf swing by reading magazines and books about fathering. Here’s three excellent books written by fathers like you: “She Calls Me Daddy” by Robert D. Wolgemuth, “Daddy’s Home!” by Stephen Schnur and “The Five Key Habits of Smart Dads” by Paul Lewis. Another great resource is “The Complete Smart Dad’s Tool Kit”, which offers audio cassettes and games for dads and kids to play, pocket guides for dads to teach kids values and morals, etc. Call 1-800-ALL-DADS.

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S., has retired from his positions as school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership and Policy Studies at Bowling Green State University. Questions or comments about family, parenting, educational or personal concerns? Have photos or personal stories you'd like to share? Contact us on our secure Bpath Mail Form.

(Z) PERFECTIONISTIC PARENTING DOES MORE HARM THAN GOOD

Dear Mr. Morton- I am a perfectionist and put much pressure to achieve on my son, age 10. This school year he’s bringing home “B” and “C’s”, which I can’t accept. How can I keep him achieve without putting too much stress on him?- S.L.

Dear S.L.- When parental expectations are too high or too perfectionist, children easily grow anxious and hypersensitive to criticism. I’ve witnessed students try to get even with overly-demanding parents by committing “academic suicide” or by purposefully underachieving. Others develop poor self-esteems and relinquish their natural zest for trying in school…and life.

If your son feels he cannot consistently be good enough to please you, he may eventually throw in the towel or learn to give only minimal effort in school and in life. And why not? If effort doesn’t earn your appreciation, he’ll rationally conclude the less effort, the less to lose emotionally.

Here’s some thoughts. Realign your own ideas about perfectionism and humor yourself…even laugh at yourself and your mistakes. Remember, people only approach perfection when they fill out their income tax or job interview forms.

Like Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth, focus intensely on process, minimally on product. How? Appreciate and encourage your son’s daily efforts and improvements (process) and less on making all “A’s” in school (product). In this manner, your son will feel your appreciation for his daily efforts and improvements, regardless of the outcomes. Everything else will follow, for he’ll learn the true meaning of “winning” and that no one is a loser until they give up and people who don’t make mistakes are the ones who usually don’t make anything at all. Is that why Aaron and Ruth struck out at the plate many more times than they hit home runs?

Psychoanalyst H. David Stein, M.D., (NYC) feels that perfectionist parents do their children more harm than good. He stated, “Kids feel that their parents are dissatisfied with them, even if it’s not stated. They pick up on subtle cues.”

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S., has retired from his positions as school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership and Policy Studies at Bowling Green State University. Questions or comments? Click HERE to contact him at our secure Bpath Mail Form

(Y) CHILDREN NEED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Dear Mr. Morton- What’s your philosophy on today’s children? Just Curious, Port Clinton

Dear Just Curious- Maybe by comparing the similar needs of children everywhere through history may provide an answer. I’ve always thought children need unconditional love, a love that doesn’t depend upon making the Honor Roll or winning a football game. Just a love because they are our children. Parents must practice the “separate the deed from the doer”. If their teen daughter is taking drugs, they can still give them unconditional love by saying, “Honey, I love your basic substance, but I can literally spit on your drug behavior and out of my love for you, I will not tolerate it. So, here’s what I’m going to do.”

Children begin their world by loving their parents, then judge and question them as they grow older. Great child psychologists like Haim Ginott and Jean Piaget used to compare them to blank sheets of paper ready to be written on. They’re like wet cement, whatever falls on them makes an impression. They may be raptured by a tiny, green worm inching its way across the sidewalk than a brand new $600 swing set assembled in the backyard. When children leave the nest, they’ll remember not the material things we give them, but the feeling that they were cherished.

To me, the innocence of small children are nearest to some omnipotent divinity, just like small planets are nearest the sun. Their candidness and honesty is yet restrained by social taboos. Years ago, I had difficulty evaluating a preschool girl for early entrance. She remained pokerfaced as the evaluation began, so I stopped the testing to establish rapport. When I asked her if she had any questions, her brown eyes grew wide and she asked, “Why are you so fat and what’s that fur under your nose? My daddy’s skinny and he shaves his fur off.” Once I explained about overeating and that it’s OK for men to grow mustaches, she became communicative and performed quite well on the evaluation, although she curiously gawked at my “fur“ for an hour straight.

I’d say most of the truth-telling in the world is done by children. For parents, children may or may not be a blessing. We have our share of mistreated children, but, to create children and then fail them as a parent is pure damnation. I genuinely detest the Morey Popovich show, which belittles unborn children by relying on DNA testing to determine who the father is. I always say, there’s no illegitimate children, only illegitimate parents.

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S., has retired from his positions as school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership and Policy Studies at Bowling Green State University. Questions or comments about parenting, educational, family or personal concerns? Click HERE to contact him at our secure Bpath Mail Form.

(X) GOOD HABITS CAN BECOME AS ADDICTIVE AS BAD ONES

Dear Mr. Morton- My husband has many of bad habits that his “friends“ perpetuate. How can I get him to break them. Loving Wife

Dear Loving Wife- It takes about 21 days to change bad habits and to replace them with new ones. Bad habits don’t make his friends “bad” people. Just be thankful he doesn’t hang with Robert Downey Junior (multiple arrests), Charlie Sheen (threatening wife with knife), Snoop Dogg (illegal gun & drug possession), Mickey Rourke (DUI charge on a scooter), Rip Torn (crashed into truck while drunk), Nick Nolte (DUI plus traces of GHB rape drug in his system), ZaZa Gabor (driving with open liquor container & slapping a cop), Gary Coleman (domestic assault), and Lindsay Lohan for DUI while driving her new Mercedes on Sunset Blvd.

For the rest of us who don’t make $35 million for starring in one movie, we readily drop costly bad habits, like accumulating DUI‘s. We might be more frustrated with nail biting, smoking, borrowing money, procrastinating, overeating, compulsive shopping, nose picking, or cracking our knuckles. Habit formation brings about peculiar events in our lives - good habits are easier to give up than bad ones, bad habits are easier to form than good ones, but good habits can become as addictive and as hard to break as bad ones.

I learned this when counseling a woman hooked on cocaine. That was six years ago, and she’s still emancipated from the drug’s social, economic, and career- demolishing consequences. The addiction was easy for her to develop and extremely difficult for her to give up. However, her cocaine addiction was replaced by living a life unshackled- a steady job, a new set of drug-free friends, volunteer work in a drug clinic, and a reestablished relationship with her children.

Yes, good habits can be as addictive and hard to break as bad ones. A herd of wild horses couldn’t drag her back into the world of cocaine. If your husband desires, he too can replace his bad habits with good ones.

NOTE: In the right margin search for code "X BAD HABITS" for videos and newspaper, journal articles to learn more on this topic.

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S. has retired from his positions of school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership and Policy Studies at BGSU. Questions or comments? Contact him at the Bpath Mail Form at the top of the site. Also, visit his national Family Journal column.

(W) VIOLENCE-PRONE CHILDREN GROWING PROBLEM

"Violence-Prone Children Growing Problem" has been updated. Click HERE to view update.

(V) FREE TOP-QUALITY PRESCHOOL EDUCATIONAL ONLINE SITES AT NO CHARGE

Dear Mr. Morton- Any good computer game and educational sites for our preschool boy that are free of charge? - Parents

Dear Parents- There are wonderful free online sites for preschoolers where inappropriate content is filtered out. A fun one that has a maze game with 100 levels. A ladybug has to find her home and your preschool son guides her to it-
www.learn4good.com/games/kids/ladybugs.htm

Zoodles is an online education service for preschoolers. The games are fun and educational, approved by Stanford University educational experts, and encompass national and state educational standards. You can tailor-make each game to suit your son’s experience and regular progress reports keep you updated on his activities. The free account has no fees and if you like you can enhance your account with paid features for next to nothing ($7.95/mo.) http://www.zoodles.com/


Kaboose is totally free and teaches thinking skills- http://funschool.kaboose.com/

Preschool Learning Online offers free downloadable games that are educational and high-quality. All you do is register and take a survey to have full access. http://preschoollearningonline.com/

For toddlers to preschool and 1st grade:
http://www.infostuff.com/kids/a.htm - teaches abc's

http://www.abc.net.au/countusin/default.htm - for basic number concepts

http://giraffian.com/kids/alphabet/ - for the alphabet

http://www.fisher-price.com/us/fun/games/phonics/default.asp - for ingenious preschool phonics learning games.

http://www.lettertv.net/pages/brickwall.htm - to see letters and hear the sound and see pictures of upper and lower case letters with coloring pages and songs.

http://www.storyplace.org/storyplace.asp - for great interactive digital sound videos

http://www.funbrain.com/brain/MathBrain/MathBrain.html - that offers a neat math arcade to choose activities from.

http://www.funbrain.com/math/index.html - for an excellent math baseball with different levels and skills to play. You’re at bat and can score a run or an out!

Here’s a Best-Kept secret! Go to the American Library Service for Children (ALSC) site at http://www.ala.org/ala/mgrps/divs/alsc/index.cfm then click on “Great Websites For Kids” in the left margin.

PBS Kids is also totally free! http://pbskids.org/

Remember, because learning proceeds from the "known" to the "unknown", don’t advance your child to the next level until the current one is mastered. Be there with him/her to play the math, spelling and phonics games to answer any questions he may ask. Keep it fun and go at your child's pace. Go in baby steps!!

Robert Morton, M.Ed., Ed.S. has retired from his positions of School Psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership & Policy Studies at Bowling Green State Univeristy. A portion of Ad sale revenue from this site is donated to Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America. Questions? Comment? Concerns about family, parenting, educational or personal concerns? Contact him on the secure Bpath Mail Form.

(U) OLDER FIRST TIME FATHERS HAVE AN ADVANTAGE

In my separate interviews with several first-time fathers over 40, three factors emerged which seemed important to their readiness for becoming older dads: occupational and financial security; a clear understanding and adaptation to today's diverse fatherhood roles, despite lingering assumptions that being major breadwinner and minor nurturer is the definitive act of mature manhood; and a strong drive for a sense of closure to their childless period of life, by leaving a breathing part of themselves behind.

Because these factors were secured, these older first-time fathers were happy and felt their children had changed their lives for the better. Many fathers their age find new experiences hard to find because their earlier-set life goals have already been conquered and their children have fledged the nest; these older, first-time fathers, however, talk of new aspirations and horizons to explore.

Bill Brown, 52 years old, is a guidance counselor for the Fremont City Schools(Ohio). I happened to call him for the interview while his wife Nancy, a clinical dietitian, was working at Fremont Memorial Hospital. His first words were, "Great time for the interview, my kids are taking a nap!"

From his perspective as a counselor well-versed in child development theory, Brown related how his two boys, Wesley and Matthew, ages six and four, respectively, have transformed his life.

"For years I've read about developmental events, and now I see them coming true with my own flesh and blood." Brown added, "All my readings in child development are coming true, from dry textbook pages to real-life unfoldings."

Similarly, 56 year-old Gene Morton, a biologist and ornithologist for the Smithsonian Institution, related how his child, five month old Douglas, has added a new dimension to his life. His wife, Bridgett, is a biology-ecology professor at York University in Toronto, Canada.

"To have and raise a baby, to play with and teach him. It's a great new experience for me--a first time experience. At my age, there's not many of those left."

Both Brown and Morton understand the diverse roles dads play today in child-rearing and consider themselves nurturers as well as breadwinners. They realize fathers are not social accidents, and believe they're more similar to than different from their wives in responding to the needs of their children. They are not satisfied in playing minor roles in child-rearing and find themselves staying in, not retreating from, the nursery and playroom.

Interesting Video about older dads!!!